[ with a whirl, tsuna composes himself, or at least tries to, quickly facing armada and standing erect. he swallows— hard, dry. without a word he follows close behind, head low and mind in a rapid buzz. when they are to come to a stop, tsuna nearly stumbles, regaining his balance and hurriedly standing straight, arms at his sides, hands behind his back, fingers fidgeting— he looks up every so often, at armada, only to have his site fall to the ground with anxiety every time.
the silence is nerve wracking— but he didn't know what took first place, whether it was armada's presence, or the heavy air over his shoulders, or his stomach, or the brief silence itself. ]
[ his heart sinks, stomach drops twice as hard— he feels sick, a ball of unsettling nervousness growing in his center, turning to guilt. it was true. it was true and he knew it— at the time, at the moment it happened, he was so out of it, so caught in mental anguish ( as well as being pinned to a tree via arrow ) that he didn't immediately process the act of vriska shielding him from more, with her own body.
the gears only began to turn when they were away from the danger— after the fact. after she started ripping them out one by one, bleeding blue and unable to get treated for it. that was his fault— that was all his fault. ]
I—
[ he almost loses his voice as he tries to speak. cracked, shaky and dry. no matter how many times he swallows he couldn't make it any easier to explain himself. "i didn't mean to" wouldn't suffice here. he searches for the right words, perhaps too much ( worried to step out of line, even there ), eyes to the ground, heartbeat thumping in his ears— he thinks of the child, of the yell behind him to get his attention, to move— but he couldn't. ]
B-Because, I . . .
[ speak up, he thinks. ]
I wasn't strong enough—
[ was that it? admitting he was weak-? ]
I— I killed [ breathe ] one of the kids, sir, a-and I— Didn't mean to, and I felt it all, and—
[ he needs to slow down, too many ands and things that hadn't a knot to tie its ends. ]
I couldn't see anything after. I never killed anyone, like that never—
[ there was always byakuran, which he had evaporated to ash, but— somehow, that guy was still alive ( and even then, tsuna didn't know ). he felt too much, on an emotional level. on an energetic level. he felt like he killed a sibling ( if he had any ). ]
[ Armada does not endeavor to comfort the recruit. The emotional distress of killing is foreign to Armada, and though many who join the service experience trouble with it, he cannot empathize with their struggle. ]
You allowed your emotions to rule you and as a result, forced a member of another team to protect you. You are the shield, Tsunayoshi, not the other way around.
[ His distress is palpable. He will wallow in it if given half the chance. ]
[ you are the shield. how many times has he mentally said that to people from home, though in a different way? i'll protect you, even if i have to trade my life for yours. he'd fight to the death without bringing it upon others— it all ended up okay in the end. everyone was safe, enemies were overthrown, even befriended— they were nothing like these situations, though. nothing prepared him for this, and nothing probably would have.
he sits on these single words in silence. if that had been gokudera ( who's shielded his boss without a second thought ), he'd be dead. if it were kyoko, or anyone else— they'd most likely be dead. even vriska herself could have died, and was all because of emotion. he couldn't grasp on to the world behind him, wanting too much good for everyone with life. it's as akame once said before, it's a kill or be killed situation. it's either one or the other. a painful choice for one so empathetic and hooked to emotion, but a choice he had to make, nevertheless.
you are the shield, not the other way around.
it's not the first, but it certainly feels like the biggest achievement in failure he's received. not just as a member of green team, made of people, but failure as a friend, as a person who has the power to defend with their entire spirit, with their literal dying will, and he didn't. the alien life taken isn't forgotten, and neither does he believe he did the right thing— which ever way it happened, it wouldn't be right, but . . . it certainly would have been wrong if he didn't protect those that counted on him. his whole world counted on him, vriska counted on him— armada counted on him. everyone that saw the green color on his cuff would count on him.
he almost struggles with it at first, eyes swiveling to the sides as his head holds down— but he doesn't keep armada waiting, not with a tone like that. holding back a look slightly teary eyed, he looks up, holding his breath, features creased with growing understanding and remorse. ]
On my planet, you would be abandoned and left to survive on your own.
[ In this context it is an idle threat. While Armada has been known to leave recruits behind on a planet for their poor performance, this is not the current case. ]
I don't plan to do this to you.
[ Armada tilts his head. ]
But these are emotions you will need to curb. This is not the last time you will kill a child. It is not the last time you will kill to save the crew, or those you hold dear.
I am not telling you to stop feeling. For your species, it is impossible. But this cannot happen again. When we have returned to the Neheda you will use the Black Box, but until then you must find a way to deal with the emotional backlash.
[ Armada reaches out. His hand holds the bottom of Tsuna's jaw to lift his chin more proudly. ]
[ his eyes go wide at first, then soft, head slightly tilting downwards but vision ahead, still looking up— armada could have very well done that, but . . . he chose not to.
his heart lurches midway through the response, almost sickening him as it shoots to his throat. he looks down, a side glance toward his hands, still covered by his mittens, the x-gloves he refuses to take off in fear of coming across another surprise attack, of being even more unprepared. the gloves he took up because he wanted it, to protect the people he loved like family from the start. they aren't meant for killing, he thinks, and even begins to doubt his choice and power. if it never happened, no one would have been after him and his friends to indirectly take him down, right? his life wouldn't have been turned upside down thanks to the crazy mafia shenanigans that revolved around him. he wouldn't be "vongola tenth". he wouldn't even be in the cdc— he'd be just good old no-good tsuna.
he wouldn't have had everything he has, now, including those loved ones, either. he'd be alone, depressed, and never would he have grown as much as he did. thinking again, he was lucky— he was lucky to have the people that surrounded him back home. he cherishes that, and he wouldn't trade it for normalcy even if it knocked on his door.
he has too much to lose if it happens again.
he felt sick, mostly because a large part of him didn't want to believe it, as much as it held a painful truth. this wouldn't be the last time. he'll try his absolute hardest to avoid it, that was a fact— but, if he had to, if he truly had to . . . what would he do? would he be able to? he didn't even want to think about it, to be honest—
his thoughts are interrupted when armada tilts his chin back up. his eyes, again, go briefly wide with surprise, and for a moment, he stares. they don't cascade, but tears do build, subtle and repressed. ]
If it does, I . . .
[ it hurts to think, both ways— ]
Won't . . . Survive.
[ he says it as if he's understood— something a strong, bold woman once said to him. if you die here, it means you would have only been a burden. if you want to live, you must survive. if you want anyone to live— survive. endure. endure suddenly rings louder, the last thing he heard from yamamoto.
feeling was hard. taking lives was hard when all you want is a happy ending for everything— life was never all happy endings, though. ]
[ Armada tilts his head, but does not take his hand away from Tsuna's chin. His skin is flushed, his heart is beating hard. The change in his body temperature and the flutter of his breathing signal his distress.
[ he says it without much thought, and considering the response, there was little thought put into it. it's all heart as he continues to look up, watch his instructor with swollen eyes. there's much silence before he speaks again, distress mixing with fear that mixes with his will deep down, imagining each and every one of his friends. his family. the hand at his side, holds his pocket, containing a charm that made him feel closer to them than anything when he was far away, a little handmade charm of protection, a fish printed over its front.
it didn't actually protect him— it was a charm, and some might thing it's a silly little amulet made by a silly little girl. but, to tsuna, it was much more. each time he held it or touched it, he saw them. just the thought of the cdc destroying them all because he didn't obey was gut and heart-wrenching, slowly bringing certain determination to his tears, perhaps a touch of anger that this was all happening, then channeling feelings against the organization to his words. he wouldn't let them, he wouldn't let anyone— ]
I'd— I'd die if it meant keeping them safe. But . . .
[ he stands straighter, laying his heart on the table. he wouldn't let them die, and for that— ]
[ Armada nods, and lowers his hand from Tsunayoshi's face. Though still clearly compromised, he seems to have found tentative footing. That is a start. It is the groundwork from which Green is built upon. ]
Then you know you must overcome this to survive. I have always said that in order to protect others you must protect yourself. We are a team. We are here to hold one another up.
They have done nothing but exist. It is the nature of that which is stronger to overcome that which it can surpass.
[ Armada acknowledges the leap in Tsunayoshi's thought. He is hurting over their choices, but there is no explanation that will satisfy him emotionally. Armada does not try. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
the silence is nerve wracking— but he didn't know what took first place, whether it was armada's presence, or the heavy air over his shoulders, or his stomach, or the brief silence itself. ]
no subject
[ Armada says this without preamble. It is an accusation and it is fact. ]
Why?
[ Armada knows, but he wants to hear Tsuna's account. ]
no subject
the gears only began to turn when they were away from the danger— after the fact. after she started ripping them out one by one, bleeding blue and unable to get treated for it. that was his fault— that was all his fault. ]
I—
[ he almost loses his voice as he tries to speak. cracked, shaky and dry. no matter how many times he swallows he couldn't make it any easier to explain himself. "i didn't mean to" wouldn't suffice here. he searches for the right words, perhaps too much ( worried to step out of line, even there ), eyes to the ground, heartbeat thumping in his ears— he thinks of the child, of the yell behind him to get his attention, to move— but he couldn't. ]
B-Because, I . . .
[ speak up, he thinks. ]
I wasn't strong enough—
[ was that it? admitting he was weak-? ]
I— I killed [ breathe ] one of the kids, sir, a-and I— Didn't mean to, and I felt it all, and—
[ he needs to slow down, too many ands and things that hadn't a knot to tie its ends. ]
I couldn't see anything after. I never killed anyone, like that never—
[ there was always byakuran, which he had evaporated to ash, but— somehow, that guy was still alive ( and even then, tsuna didn't know ). he felt too much, on an emotional level. on an energetic level. he felt like he killed a sibling ( if he had any ). ]
no subject
You allowed your emotions to rule you and as a result, forced a member of another team to protect you. You are the shield, Tsunayoshi, not the other way around.
[ His distress is palpable. He will wallow in it if given half the chance. ]
Look at me.
no subject
he sits on these single words in silence. if that had been gokudera ( who's shielded his boss without a second thought ), he'd be dead. if it were kyoko, or anyone else— they'd most likely be dead. even vriska herself could have died, and was all because of emotion. he couldn't grasp on to the world behind him, wanting too much good for everyone with life. it's as akame once said before, it's a kill or be killed situation. it's either one or the other. a painful choice for one so empathetic and hooked to emotion, but a choice he had to make, nevertheless.
you are the shield, not the other way around.
it's not the first, but it certainly feels like the biggest achievement in failure he's received. not just as a member of green team, made of people, but failure as a friend, as a person who has the power to defend with their entire spirit, with their literal dying will, and he didn't. the alien life taken isn't forgotten, and neither does he believe he did the right thing— which ever way it happened, it wouldn't be right, but . . . it certainly would have been wrong if he didn't protect those that counted on him. his whole world counted on him, vriska counted on him— armada counted on him. everyone that saw the green color on his cuff would count on him.
he almost struggles with it at first, eyes swiveling to the sides as his head holds down— but he doesn't keep armada waiting, not with a tone like that. holding back a look slightly teary eyed, he looks up, holding his breath, features creased with growing understanding and remorse. ]
no subject
[ In this context it is an idle threat. While Armada has been known to leave recruits behind on a planet for their poor performance, this is not the current case. ]
I don't plan to do this to you.
[ Armada tilts his head. ]
But these are emotions you will need to curb. This is not the last time you will kill a child. It is not the last time you will kill to save the crew, or those you hold dear.
I am not telling you to stop feeling. For your species, it is impossible. But this cannot happen again. When we have returned to the Neheda you will use the Black Box, but until then you must find a way to deal with the emotional backlash.
[ Armada reaches out. His hand holds the bottom of Tsuna's jaw to lift his chin more proudly. ]
Do not let the weight of guilt crush you.
no subject
his heart lurches midway through the response, almost sickening him as it shoots to his throat. he looks down, a side glance toward his hands, still covered by his mittens, the x-gloves he refuses to take off in fear of coming across another surprise attack, of being even more unprepared. the gloves he took up because he wanted it, to protect the people he loved like family from the start. they aren't meant for killing, he thinks, and even begins to doubt his choice and power. if it never happened, no one would have been after him and his friends to indirectly take him down, right? his life wouldn't have been turned upside down thanks to the crazy mafia shenanigans that revolved around him. he wouldn't be "vongola tenth". he wouldn't even be in the cdc— he'd be just good old no-good tsuna.
he wouldn't have had everything he has, now, including those loved ones, either. he'd be alone, depressed, and never would he have grown as much as he did. thinking again, he was lucky— he was lucky to have the people that surrounded him back home. he cherishes that, and he wouldn't trade it for normalcy even if it knocked on his door.
he has too much to lose if it happens again.
he felt sick, mostly because a large part of him didn't want to believe it, as much as it held a painful truth. this wouldn't be the last time. he'll try his absolute hardest to avoid it, that was a fact— but, if he had to, if he truly had to . . . what would he do? would he be able to? he didn't even want to think about it, to be honest—
his thoughts are interrupted when armada tilts his chin back up. his eyes, again, go briefly wide with surprise, and for a moment, he stares. they don't cascade, but tears do build, subtle and repressed. ]
If it does, I . . .
[ it hurts to think, both ways— ]
Won't . . . Survive.
[ he says it as if he's understood— something a strong, bold woman once said to him. if you die here, it means you would have only been a burden. if you want to live, you must survive. if you want anyone to live— survive. endure. endure suddenly rings louder, the last thing he heard from yamamoto.
feeling was hard. taking lives was hard when all you want is a happy ending for everything— life was never all happy endings, though. ]
What do I do—? I-I don't know how I'll react if—
no subject
[ Armada tilts his head, but does not take his hand away from Tsuna's chin. His skin is flushed, his heart is beating hard. The change in his body temperature and the flutter of his breathing signal his distress.
]
Would you rather die, or keep your family safe?
no subject
[ he says it without much thought, and considering the response, there was little thought put into it. it's all heart as he continues to look up, watch his instructor with swollen eyes. there's much silence before he speaks again, distress mixing with fear that mixes with his will deep down, imagining each and every one of his friends. his family. the hand at his side, holds his pocket, containing a charm that made him feel closer to them than anything when he was far away, a little handmade charm of protection, a fish printed over its front.
it didn't actually protect him— it was a charm, and some might thing it's a silly little amulet made by a silly little girl. but, to tsuna, it was much more. each time he held it or touched it, he saw them. just the thought of the cdc destroying them all because he didn't obey was gut and heart-wrenching, slowly bringing certain determination to his tears, perhaps a touch of anger that this was all happening, then channeling feelings against the organization to his words. he wouldn't let them, he wouldn't let anyone— ]
I'd— I'd die if it meant keeping them safe. But . . .
[ he stands straighter, laying his heart on the table. he wouldn't let them die, and for that— ]
I'm going to stay alive to do it.
no subject
Then you know you must overcome this to survive. I have always said that in order to protect others you must protect yourself. We are a team. We are here to hold one another up.
[ The instructor tilts his head. ]
Do you understand?
no subject
[ he had to understand. understanding didn't always mean accepting, but— he had to. ]
Sir-? Can I just ask— Why? These planets . . .
[ so beautiful, full of life, each unique to their own space. and yet— ]
What are they doing to go through all this?
no subject
[ Armada acknowledges the leap in Tsunayoshi's thought. He is hurting over their choices, but there is no explanation that will satisfy him emotionally. Armada does not try. ]