[ perhaps, what had been nagging at him the most was guilt, knotting at the back of his throat ever since he found out— despite his denial as leader, tsuna felt that cringing responsibility weighing on his shoulders. not in a boss-to-subordinate kind of way, since tsuna never thought like that, but more of a— he could have been there. he's stopped hibari from doing quite a few things that involved "biting to death", and as a person who had energy based on harmony, he was easily a successful mediator against the aloofness of one so liberal. hibari killed him. hibari killed him. he knew hibari, and while their friendship wasn't one like what tsuna shared with yamamoto and gokudera, it was more of a . . . mutual acknowledgement, or respect from afar.
with everything that's happened, stress treads on a thin sheet of ice— tsuna erupts in a way he hadn't expected, especially to hibari of all people— but the time called for it. his friend was involved. a man he grew to care for was involved, and it wasn't as if he had already failed so many people because of his feelings, nearly left akame alone on the battlefield, left vriska to fend for him as he forgot of the world around him in favor of the dead neraki child in his arms— it could have meant death for him, for her, for both of them had she not pulled him from the battlefield.
he couldn't stand all this death— and what hibari did, he couldn't accept. he couldn't let that slide. he doesn't chain the cloud, but the sky definitely closed a bit more for him that day.
he feels the knot in his stomach churn, tighten, lips going dry and pulling down into a tense frown. he stares at those words. one moment. two. three. even four— ]
FROM: hinata.shouyou@cdc.org You know what happened?
[the other questions: unanswered. Hinata had always a nature prone to tunnel vision - that extended here, extended to the notion Tsuna could know and... what? and what? what was he guilty of? not knowing what his school prefect was up to? not knowing how far Hibari could go? weren't they both guilty of that, if so? what could Tsuna have changed?]
[Hinata couldn't think of a reason, but for the moment, he couldn't think, either.]
[ he couldn't even bring himself to type "hibari killed him". it didn't sit right, didn't flow. that wasn't it. no, no— during a heated moment, quickly, perhaps tsuna hadn't thought. nic was a friend, and like every friend, he cared for them like one would care for their own brother, or sister— father or mother. to hear one killed the other just because was unthinkable. people have a habit of doing that, it's in one's nature, to conclude on their own with what they're presented with and that's that. but . . . he wasn't like that. he promised he wouldn't be like that.
one of hibari's downsides were his limits— he had little of it. the teen keeps himself from responding in favor of pulling his knees up, half his face buried between his legs, and thinking, calming his agitation. he was upset. people don't think clearly when they're upset— and he didn't want to be a rash person. he wasn't like that.
he shuts his eyes tight, hand over his head. he hits once. hits twice, frustrated, giving a heaving, shaky sigh. he couldn't do that. even if he had been upset, even if it was unbelievable— he couldn't judge, not without knowing what really happened ( he couldn't bring himself to— the guilt was greater ). and hibari wouldn't just . . . do that the way he was thinking. the way everyone was thinking. the guardian's actions for tsuna over the course of his stay proved it ( and after a a more clearing conversation, things made a bit more sense ).
it doesn't simply wash the guilt away, on the contrary— it's still there. ]
Edited (BECAUSE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING cries) 2015-03-25 13:16 (UTC)
[it'd be better to talk in person, a little voice in the back of his head said. ask to meet up. talk in person.]
[the rest of him knew he wouldn't know what to do, the blackglass barrier the best bet in keeping on a straight path. it was worth a shot, at least - this wasn't Tsuna's fault. if anything, with Hibari as a classmate--- he must've felt worse.]
[best to keep texting.]
FROM: hinata.shouyou@cdc.org What do you mean, as much as you can? Who did you talk to?
FROM: hinata.shouyou@cdc.org We were kind of friends. We hung out. He helped me once.
[as most people had, and as most people do. not like Hibari, though: most people looked at him with pity or fear. Hibari had praised - hadn't questioned, either, when shown Hinata's weakness. kind of friend or not, he had been appreciated.]
[the past tense wasn't intentional - it simply was.]
[blunt:]
FROM: hinata.shouyou@cdc.org Can you explain why he kept fighting Nic?
hibari... really likes fighting if he meets someone he thinks is a really good fighter hed always try and fight with them or challenge them even if they say no he keeps asking
FROM: sawada.tsunayoshi@cdc.org
i think nic was one of those people? i never saw them together but it feels like it he wouldn't fight just anyone he told me nic was already bleeding when he found him
FROM: sawada.tsunayoshi@cdc.org
but the first thing nic asked him to do was fight him so they fought
FROM: sawada.tsunayoshi@cdc.org
it's kind of like when a little kid really wants a toy but the adult keeps saying no until they finaly say yes?
FROM: sawada.tsunayoshi@cdc.org
he wouldn't have fought in the first place if nic didn't ask him to not like that
FROM: sawada.tsunayoshi@cdc.org
i think they understood each other a lot more than i do him it goes a lot deeper
[unseen: quiet, watchful eye as the replies roll in, Hinata frozen in trepidation and residual anger. the latter sparks at the last, or what he thinks is the last - he waits, breath held, for an extra few seconds --- but it is, or so it seems, and so:]
[- what was Tsuna implying? it made him nervous, under the fury. the two brewed together as hysteria.]
FROM: hinata.shouyou@cdc.org Wanted what? The fight?
i trust hibari he wouldn't lie that's what he said
FROM: sawada.tsunayoshi@cdc.org
he.... didn't want help, when he collapsed either. i think thats what i got i dont know how to understand why nic did it all in the first place but it's all i know
FROM: hinata.shouyou@cdc.org Only sick people are like that.
[it isn't a denial.]
[more should follow, but -- more doesn't. Hinata stares at the blinking cursor, mind a whir and gaze unfocused. words always drew shorter during these moments; Tsuna, fortunately, didn't seem to be an exception.]
[the notion is there. it had good business being there, given the fact that it could be true -- knee-jerk denial would wear down, and when it did, rather than be left bereft, Hinata would think of what Tsuna said.]
[was it better than wondering?]
[after a long pause,]
FROM: hinata.shouyou@cdc.org Yea. If he does, we'll know.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
with everything that's happened, stress treads on a thin sheet of ice— tsuna erupts in a way he hadn't expected, especially to hibari of all people— but the time called for it. his friend was involved. a man he grew to care for was involved, and it wasn't as if he had already failed so many people because of his feelings, nearly left akame alone on the battlefield, left vriska to fend for him as he forgot of the world around him in favor of the dead neraki child in his arms— it could have meant death for him, for her, for both of them had she not pulled him from the battlefield.
he couldn't stand all this death— and what hibari did, he couldn't accept. he couldn't let that slide. he doesn't chain the cloud, but the sky definitely closed a bit more for him that day.
he feels the knot in his stomach churn, tighten, lips going dry and pulling down into a tense frown. he stares at those words. one moment. two. three. even four— ]
FROM: sawada.tsunayoshi@cdc.org
we're from the same town
he's my school's prefect
FROM: sawada.tsunayoshi@cdc.org
were you there when it happened?
no subject
You know what happened?
[the other questions: unanswered. Hinata had always a nature prone to tunnel vision - that extended here, extended to the notion Tsuna could know and... what? and what? what was he guilty of? not knowing what his school prefect was up to? not knowing how far Hibari could go? weren't they both guilty of that, if so? what could Tsuna have changed?]
[Hinata couldn't think of a reason, but for the moment, he couldn't think, either.]
no subject
i do
as much as i can at least
[ he couldn't even bring himself to type "hibari killed him". it didn't sit right, didn't flow. that wasn't it. no, no— during a heated moment, quickly, perhaps tsuna hadn't thought. nic was a friend, and like every friend, he cared for them like one would care for their own brother, or sister— father or mother. to hear one killed the other just because was unthinkable. people have a habit of doing that, it's in one's nature, to conclude on their own with what they're presented with and that's that. but . . . he wasn't like that. he promised he wouldn't be like that.
one of hibari's downsides were his limits— he had little of it. the teen keeps himself from responding in favor of pulling his knees up, half his face buried between his legs, and thinking, calming his agitation. he was upset. people don't think clearly when they're upset— and he didn't want to be a rash person. he wasn't like that.
he shuts his eyes tight, hand over his head. he hits once. hits twice, frustrated, giving a heaving, shaky sigh. he couldn't do that. even if he had been upset, even if it was unbelievable— he couldn't judge, not without knowing what really happened ( he couldn't bring himself to— the guilt was greater ). and hibari wouldn't just . . . do that the way he was thinking. the way everyone was thinking. the guardian's actions for tsuna over the course of his stay proved it ( and after a a more clearing conversation, things made a bit more sense ).
it doesn't simply wash the guilt away, on the contrary— it's still there. ]
no subject
[the rest of him knew he wouldn't know what to do, the blackglass barrier the best bet in keeping on a straight path. it was worth a shot, at least - this wasn't Tsuna's fault. if anything, with Hibari as a classmate--- he must've felt worse.]
[best to keep texting.]
FROM: hinata.shouyou@cdc.org
What do you mean, as much as you can? Who did you talk to?
no subject
him
i spoke with hibari
[ that either sounded like a joke or an unbelievable source to trust for some, yet—
here he was. ]
no subject
[maybe, if Tsuna knew him from school--]
FROM: hinata.shouyou@cdc.org
How'd you understand what he said?
If he said much.
no subject
understanding how he is
FROM: sawada.tsunayoshi@cdc.org
he told me everything
in his own way, so sometimes it's kind of hard but.....
FROM: sawada.tsunayoshi@cdc.org
i know him
FROM: sawada.tsunayoshi@cdc.org
you spoke to him before?
no subject
We were kind of friends. We hung out. He helped me once.
[as most people had, and as most people do. not like Hibari, though: most people looked at him with pity or fear. Hibari had praised - hadn't questioned, either, when shown Hinata's weakness. kind of friend or not, he had been appreciated.]
[the past tense wasn't intentional - it simply was.]
[blunt:]
FROM: hinata.shouyou@cdc.org
Can you explain why he kept fighting Nic?
no subject
ah. ]
FROM: sawada.tsunayoshi@cdc.org
i'll try
FROM: sawada.tsunayoshi@cdc.org
hibari... really likes fighting
if he meets someone he thinks is a really good fighter hed always try and fight with them
or challenge them
even if they say no he keeps asking
FROM: sawada.tsunayoshi@cdc.org
i think nic was one of those people?
i never saw them together but it feels like it
he wouldn't fight just anyone
he told me nic was already bleeding when he found him
FROM: sawada.tsunayoshi@cdc.org
but
the first thing nic asked him to do was fight him
so they fought
FROM: sawada.tsunayoshi@cdc.org
it's kind of like
when a little kid really wants a toy but the adult keeps saying no
until they finaly say yes?
FROM: sawada.tsunayoshi@cdc.org
he wouldn't have fought in the first place if nic didn't ask him to
not like that
FROM: sawada.tsunayoshi@cdc.org
i think
they understood each other a lot more than i do him
it goes a lot deeper
FROM: sawada.tsunayoshi@cdc.org
it sounds like
nic wanted that too
no subject
[- what was Tsuna implying? it made him nervous, under the fury. the two brewed together as hysteria.]
FROM: hinata.shouyou@cdc.org
Wanted what? The fight?
no subject
i trust hibari
he wouldn't lie
that's what he said
FROM: sawada.tsunayoshi@cdc.org
he.... didn't want help, when he collapsed either.
i think
thats what i got
i dont know how to understand why nic did it all in the first place but
it's all i know
no subject
Nic wanted to die?
no subject
i can't....... say that, for sure
but
it's what it sounds like
FROM: sawada.tsunayoshi@cdc.org
was nic like that?
do you know?
no subject
Only sick people are like that.
[it isn't a denial.]
[more should follow, but -- more doesn't. Hinata stares at the blinking cursor, mind a whir and gaze unfocused. words always drew shorter during these moments; Tsuna, fortunately, didn't seem to be an exception.]
no subject
that isn't the best thing to say. ]
FROM: sawada.tsunayoshi@cdc.org
lets keep waiting
he could come back any minute, cant he?
no subject
[was it better than wondering?]
[after a long pause,]
FROM: hinata.shouyou@cdc.org
Yea. If he does, we'll know.
We'll talk more later, Tsuna. Take care, ok?
no subject
FROM: sawada.tsunayoshi@cdc.org
you too hinata
if i can do anything i will
[ it stays like that. ]